Every time I dare to meet God in the vulnerability of my sin and shame, this knowing (of myself) is strengthened.” – from The Gift of Being yourself.
I don’t know how I got here. Standing at a place in life where I’m tired of running from my darkness. With a new courage I don’t turn away but instead I look at, stay with those shameful parts of me and my story and invite God to look and speak.
And I get to know God in ways I’ve never known him. In ways I never dreamed I would. Even though there is a long road ahead of learning to be thankful for my story and looking on it with positive emotion, even hope, I know that now as I stand at the brink of brokenness, pain, shame, and sin and learn to accept it, I am at a crucial turning point. The trajectory is about to abruptly change.
What’s kept me from this looking at my “false self” so long? I suspect that as I have recently grown in really trusting him, and experienced his eyes of grace toward me, this has given me courage I didn’t have before. One book that has helped me is “God Attachment”.
Picture yourself sitting with God. Picture him looking at you. What is the look on his face? Do you turn away? Are you afraid to look? Our reaction to these pictures reveals whats really going on in our heart about how you feel about God and his opinion of you. If his gaze isn’t loving, or if you are not sure you can even look, there’s a good chance that God is wanting to move that obstacle so that you can truly see him and open new ways of hearing him speak intimately with you.
If you try this and you get nowhere or don’t know what to do next, a spiritual director could help you move forward.